This month feels like a full on dump tackle. There is no escaping the end of the year and all of the responsibilities it brings. I'm a planner, a list person, a journalist, a blogger, a photographer. You name it, if it has to do with capturing and controlling life I probably do it. I always seem to feel the need to document things, so I can take a glance at who I used to be. I find it difficult to focus on studying for finals and being productive at work, because I'm so busy reflecting on who I was in 2011.
It's too easy to transform yourself unknowingly. The simplest changes are often damaging and result after giving in to temptation. It's the difficult and time consuming modifications that are for the better. Nothing comes easy. You've got to work and work and work at everything that is rewarding, so I think it is so important to work at yourself above all. Discouragement is always something hard to get past. Some days, you can feel like you're doing everything right. You give a wave and a simple "hello" to the strangers you see on the street, prop the door open for those behind you, and smile when you pick up the phone, but that doesn't mean that your kind gestures will always be recognized. When good deeds go unrecognized it's so much simpler to say, "well screw you then. I'm gonna stare at my feet when we cross paths, slip through the door, and pay zero attention to this phone conversation." Being selfish can protect you from experiencing disappointments, but I don't think it will get you anything else. I've been seeing a lot of selfishness lately, and I can't wait to be surrounded by the Christmas spirit in 10 days.
So, back to my obsession with the past. I was reading through some old journals and came across one that stabbed at me a little. In all honesty, I don't think I realized at the time how important recalling these types of memories would be for me now. With Casey gone things have gotten extremely hard. The family is facing some huge road blocks and there doesn't seem to be a safe detour. Here's a taste of my life, a year ago..
December 24, 2010:
"Well, here I go again, starting another journal that will be left unwritten. I'm not sure how many I can start, but I'm up to 3 now. No one's life is organized though right? Why stick to one thing, I'm scattered and so are my thoughts. Although it's only Christmas Eve, I've had 2 Christmases already. My life's been pretty hectic lately, but I'm making my rounds, seeing the people I've got to see and loving every minute of it. Delaney's really growing up fast and even though I really wish I could be around for her second Christmas, I'm happy to be here in Canmore with Mom, Casey, and Mack. It's about time I get some leisure time in with Mom's side. Casey gave Mom a promise ring for Christmas. You know what, I'm genuinely happy for them, rooting for them even. Normally Mom picks guys I could care less about, but Casey's been coach since I was 15. He truly brings out the best in my Mom, so how could you not want them together? That's the important thing; it doesn't matter if a couple looks right to you, is gapped in age, or if they are completely unexpected to be together, because as long as they make each other happy, I'm happy. I want that too."
I can't even begin to explain the changes that occurred since I wrote that entry. Life seems messier than ever, and I thought it was bad then? Just goes to show how important it is to recognize your blessings, before they are gone.
So long,
L.
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